I found my first family and they asked for money, now what ?

After coming into reunion with your first family which can be very exciting and overwhelming, other new situations may arise, such as the direct or indirect ask for money. I have been asked this question many times before and each situation is not the same. However there are some basic guidelines I'd like to offer that could help navigate your family situation which will be discussed below. 

Culture speaking it is important to understand cultural expectations and differences as it relates to this topic. In Colombia at least as parents grow older, it is understood that the adult children will support their parents whether it be monetary, taking them to medical appts. or in other ways. This does not happen in all families for various reasons but in general it is what is done if siblings are willing and able.  Older parents tend to seek advice from the eldest child in the family for decision making in general.

Having said this, you are not obligated to support your family despite all of this, based on the circumstances that were out of our control when the adoption occurred and differences in culture, or any other reason that resonates with you. Not all families ask for money, and many think that it would be very inappropriate and taking advantage of the situation.

If you can financially support in some way and want to after establishing a connection based on trust, mutual respect and understanding then follow your heart.

Things to consider:

• If one of the family members asked you to keep secrecy around the ask with other family members, it would be helpful to inquire why and to not allow yourself  to be put into a situation of secrecy without really understanding the complete family dynamics.

• Keep in mind that in general, anyone coming from any of the global north countries, it is assumed that by default that we all have money whether it is true or not. Clarifying your actual financial situation can be helpful.

• Another thing to watch out for is how giving money could impact your siblings, some may expect that you help out, some may become jealous that you can help out more than them, which in essence might be perceived as having more power/importance.(all depends on them as individuals).

Advice 

1. Establish a relationship first with your family members. The relationship in the best case scenario would be based and fostered out of love and reconnection, and not money. Providing any kind of assistance too early and too much could back fire later down the road, if you are not able to support any more or if you decide you just do not want to anymore, which is more than fine as well.

2. If and when you would like to or are able to send money to a family member in your birth country things you should consider and be VERY clear about with specific boundaries: 

• Start small, $100 is a lot of money in Colombia for example.

• Is this a one time gift? Will it be on a monthly basis? You have a right to know what the money will be used for: rent, groceries, transportation, a cellphone, etc.

• If the family member asks you to keep it a secret from the rest of the family, this is usually not a good sign. It is better to be open and not be forced into secrecy.

• Is it a loan to be paid back over time ?

• Be clear if requests for money are allowed outside of your gift or not

• If they request a certain amount, you do not have to give them that exact amount, but the amount that you see fit and are able.

• If a family asks for money for health procedures, surgeries or medication, you have every right to ask for a picture of the doctor's orden or orden medico that clearly shows the cost, date and name of the medicine, or procedure needed with the family member's name. FYI, most health insurance providers (EPS) such as Compensar, Nueva EPS, Capital salud etc. there is little to no co-pay for any of the health needs listed above.  The co-pay depends on the income level of your family member.  Be aware that there is little to no cost for medications, unless they are trying to buy them at the pharmacy directly.

If they are unable to show the current and clear documentation I would think twice about sending the money for those reasons.

Some adoptees decide to send a monetary gift for birthdays and /or for the Holiday time at the end of the year. Others have sent a monetary gift for their family to buy a bed, or something else to improve the physical aspect of their home. Others help by sponsoring a family member to attend vocational school or the University.  

I have found the easiest and best way to send money is through the app Remitly, which allows transfers directly to their bank account, or Nequi (Colombian Venmo). Usually the fee to send any amount of money is around $3.99.

At the end of the day it is your decision, how often, how much and when you would like to support and send gifts to your family :) Listen to your own intuition about how much and frequency is the best advice as you navigate this situation if you choose to. I hope this has helped! My best, Elena :)