Dear adoptive family member,
Updated: Oct 2, 2019
If you have made it to this page, I want to say thank you for having the courage to take a look at another perspective in this complex process. I only ask that you continue reading with an open heart. I will be making some generalizations based off my own experience and from others fellow adoptees experiences, so if it doesn’t apply to you, please just disregard it. Each adoption situation is unique and has different dynamics but can also share some similarities at the same time.
My guess is that many feelings have come up when you learned that your son, daughter, sister, or brother has interest in searching for their biological family or that they are thinking about beginning their search. Maybe thoughts like “why are they looking for their biological family when they already have one with us?” or “I raised him/her, gave them a house, food, access to education, and love... doesn’t that count for anything?” Will they love/like the other family more? If and after they locate their family, will they want to go back and live there? Am I not enough or was what I gave not good enough? Will they abandon the family, am I going to lose them? Some of these thoughts may have come across your mind and are all valid and logical questions.
I would like to offer the idea that perhaps the want or need for your son or daughter, sister or brother to find their family is not about something you didn’t do or a lack thereof. But from a deep desire to connect to where they came from on a biological, emotional, and/or spiritual level. Most of us did not have a choice in our adoption, however as adults we do have a choice to explore our identity and what that looks like for us. Nor does it have anything to do with a lack of gratitude or appreciation for the life that was given through adoption. It is not your fault that we are interested in looking for our biological families.
The choice to search for biological family is not an easy one. If you have had a positive and healthy relationship overall with your son/daughter, brother/sister, the last thing that is wanted is to lose our connection with you because of a personal choice to search. What I can tell you from experience is that showing resistance, making comparisons, expressing shame for wanting to search will only drive a wedge in the relationship and/or cause a distancing in the relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have found this entry helpful and supportive, and maybe given you a better understanding of where many adoptees are coming from. You are appreciated and loved for everything you have done. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to have a one on one conversation or if you have any questions.
In light and love, Elena