Dear adoptive family member,
Updated: Aug 27, 2022
If you have made it to this page, I want to say thank you for having the courage to take a look at another perspective in this complex process. I only ask that you continue reading with an open heart. I will be making some generalizations based off of my own experience and from those of other fellow Colombian adoptees. So, if something does not apply to you, please disregard it. While each adoption situation is unique with complex dynamics, there are some underlying themes that connect all adoptees.
My guess is that many feelings arose when you first learned that your (loved one(s)) has an interest in searching for his/her biological family. Below are some thoughts that you may have had:
Why are they looking for their biological family when they already have us?
I raised him/her, gave them a house, food, access to education, and love... doesn’t that count for anything? Will they love/like the other family more? If and after they locate their family, will they want to go back and live there? Am I not enough or was what I gave not good enough?
Will they abandon us; am I going to lose them? What did we do wrong? How can I express my fears/concerns to them without pushing them away? Some of these thoughts may have crossed your mind and they are all valid and rational questions.
I would like to suggest that perhaps the want or need for your loved one(s) to find their family is not about something you did or did not do, but rather due to a need to connect to their roots from either an emotional, cultural, and/or spiritual level. Nor does it have anything to do with a lack of gratitude or appreciation for the life that was given to them through adoption. It is not your fault that they are interested in looking for their biological families. While the majority of us did not have a choice in our adoption, we do however have a choice to explore our identity as adults and where we come from.
The choice to search for biological family is not an easy one. If you have had an overall positive and healthy relationship with your loved one(s), the last thing that we want to do is lose our connection with you because of our personal choice to search. What I can tell you from experience is that showing resistance, making comparisons and/or guilt tripping him/her for wanting to search will only drive a wedge in the relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have found this entry helpful and supportive, and maybe given you a better understanding from the adoptee’s perspective. You are appreciated and loved for everything you have done. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to have a one-on-one conversation or if you have any questions. If you feel you need more support, I would recommend reaching out to a therapist to assist you in this process.
In light and love,